How Trauma Can Kill True Intimacy

     I've noticed a trend in my astrological practice, especially reflected in the birth charts of women who have experienced abuse or sexual trauma in early age. But this trend is *universal* and is not limited to women alone. It may extend to us all. Trauma is a delicate subject. It is my hope and prayer in writing this that we develop a deeper understanding of one specific effect trauma can potentially have on our life.

     For those of us who have been the victim of trauma, this post is meant to shine a light on another dimension of your inner truth and knowing. It is to inspire you back to your true, shining self. It is not conclusive nor is it the whole picture. Just one lens with which we may examine our life in a way that holds the potential to illuminate our relationships.

     Trauma comes in many forms. As my brother points out with his expertise on Constellation Therapy, the moment we were born we suffered our very first trauma: birth. When we were 3 years old and our teddy bear was taken from us THAT was a trauma, and what I have found is that such minor, seemingly minuscule events can alter the fabric of our reality and affect us later on in our lives in surprising and invisible ways.

     I want to explore a particular type of potential trauma. It goes something like this: a person says, feels, or thinks: "I like being alone. I'm best that way. I will only 'let you in' (to my heart) if you can make my life better." On the one hand, we all want relationships that add value and meaning to our life. That is admirable and wonderfully discerning. But a deeper examination might reveal another layer that's operative behind this desire...

     Now, I understand that certain character / personality / temperament types may prefer solitude at certain points. Certainly, we all do to differing levels! However, there are times where solitude is a mask for disconnection and may be a way to turn off. At time solitude is a running of the program that keeps us separate from our brothers and sisters and challenges our intimate relations.

     The problem is not cut and dry. As kind and loving people, very often we do prefer to go our own way because our experience of "Reality" may have brought people who have sought to oppress, hurt or diminish us. On the one hand, we are right to pull back and separate from those energies that do not mean us well. We must do so to keep ourselves safe. It's also an act of genuine self-love.

     But we must slow down and ask ourselves why the 'program' seems to run that way, why have we drawn in people that have repeatedly hurt us. Is it truly our karma? Could it be the result of seeds that have been planted long ago as a result of an early trauma? And might the oppressors or haters who are coming to us be the result of a trauma that we haven't yet fully healed? Unhealed trauma replays in our "Reality" until we finally get the message that it is time to work it out and how.

     It is complex. Sometimes the trauma itself that has brought the repeatedly undesirable pattern in our life seems to spring forth from our family lineage and seems to have blossomed with our life. But there is a reason our Soul was incarnated into this family. It is the fertile ground for us to transform this pattern once and for all.

     The purpose of hatred and judgment is to keep bashing us in the face until we finally get the message. There is work we have to do to heal. And we can't point fingers to the causative factors 'outside' us, for they could very well be mirrors for our own internal state now or in the past. We have to embrace the responsibility of the struggle and find the opportunity within it to awaken out of it.

     There's the empowered 'going one's own way', and the disempowered 'going one's own way'. One comes from trauma. Another comes from consciousness. One is an illusion and we're telling ourselves a lie and this lie is warping our reality so that we have to keep on suffering with it. Another is founded on love and is in honor of our true shining self. Are we individualists because we truly are, or because we have no fully healed (restored our inner sense of wholeness)?

     Emotionally empowered people do not find joy in closing down to others in intimacy. They do not laugh at it and they do not justify it. The emotionally whole person understands that, while there are times where it is necessary, wise, and desirable to go our own way, there are also times when connecting with others can serve the greater good. Boundaries are needed. Walls are just walls. They stand in the way of the very things in life we desire. Let us work to take them down brick by brick.